love & death

but that's crazy
she tells me
to think you of all people
could just give up on life
it makes me so sad to hear this
she says
and I tell her
don't be sad

she says
you have so much love
in you so much love
you could never want
to give up with so much

love and I tell her
that's it alright
that's why

and she's lost
in this

it was always love
I knew
that would kill me
I tell her
nothing is meaner harder
nothing is worse
than love

there is more love than
shit in the world more love
than water or dirt
more love than
anything else
more terrible crushing
overwhelming fucking
love than anything

and she looks at me like
I'm speaking to her
in Chinese

and it's all I care about
I tell her
love is
I don't care about
anything else at all
oh I do when I'm
supposed to but not
for long not well not
if there's love around
or a chance of love
and most love is only
a chance of love
only a facade
something else
behind it

the judge looks at me
and I'm thinking about love
and the judge decides
and I don't care
who the fuck cares
I know I'm supposed to care
but what about love
somebody tell me
what and I
wander off again
and they tire of me
and they quit poking at me
and I end up like now
here at this bar

if there's any love
if there could be I go
nuts over it I can't
get enough of it
because there is
never enough of it
when and where you
need it
there's only too much of it
when you sit looking
out the window
at it

and only too much
of my love
my love is a bear
that wants the
biggest hug

and you'll know this
if you let me love you
I'll love you to death
probably mine
as you'll want to kill me
to get rid of me

you'll say
cut it out
with all the love
all the time
take it easy
you're making me

too much love
not enough love
they play ball
in my head
nobody wins

this is why the idea
of giving up is always
so seductive
because love
in the end
is not

because love is
always out of balance
the scales come down
on my side like I'm
the fat kid on the
crashing down on my
over and
over crashing down on
my love-bone

and since there's not
enough love
except where you can't
get at it
in which case
it fucking overflows
what would be
really fun would be
killing yourself
finally denying love
saying fuck you

think of this
what if you could kill yourself
and then come back
and kill yourself
and then come back
and kill yourself
and then come back

I'm not saying you could but
some people
think so

this would be so much
fun you know it would
there are so many
wonderful ways
to kill yourself

every junkie is
just dying
to do this

all you need is enough money
for one good OD
and bingo
out you go
on a white cloud

and then you come back
and save up and

that floating feeling
so fine
like flying off
a tall building

the problem with
all this of course
is the same problem
as always

you come back
maybe but even if you do
it's as a little baby
and your parents use you
as a scapegoat or a
punching bag and
eat your love and
spit it back
in your face I mean
it's always like that

and you have to grow up
and deal with all the
love crap all
over again
darling I love you
go away we're just kids
darling I love you
fuck off bozo
darling I love you
yes dear thank you for
the money now leave
darling I love you

so it takes years
with all these distractions
to save up the money
to get old enough to
make the purchase
buy the white cloud
so you can finally
love yourself to death

only to come back
as a little kid again
and there's nothing
worse than being
a little kid
unless of course
somebody loves you
I guess
but don't go counting
on that

so yes I have all this
love in me and it
makes death seem
a beautiful thing
and you will
get fucking tired of it
soon enough
the love that is
I promise you
and then what
then nothing

but enough talk
about love
or about me
the big issues aren't
what really matters
it's the little things

what's your sign again --
did you tell me that
do you come here often
you look like someone
I used to know
no really have you been
here much -- I'd like
to score a fix or two
if you know someone
but never mind that now
let me buy
another round
and your voice and
you have such lovely
hair you really do
you know

© 1999 by
michael mcneilley